The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
