Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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