That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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