Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
