I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
