we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
