White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
