i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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