My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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