He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
