i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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