she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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