i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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