I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
