just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
