so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
