I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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