he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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