just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize