just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
