I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
