Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
