It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
