i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
