She said her name was "party"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
