This is not my ceiling
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
