She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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