I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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