Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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