I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
