So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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