can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
