I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
