I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
