You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
