Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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