xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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