My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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