You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
