i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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