I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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