last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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