Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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