You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
