Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is it because I queefed?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
