On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
from now on my penis is your penis
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
