the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
