Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
