My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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