someone threw a dead crab at me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize