he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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