Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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