the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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