The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
