Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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