Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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