Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
